Just what is going on here. Why are older women all of a sudden into me? If it was just that I would consider it nothing but lately my friends are trying to pair me up with the older ladies too. What gives? I am a 22 year old, stud, if you will. What happened to getting flirts from girls or guys my age? I am confused by this. Confused about why it is happening and confused on how to act on it. If I am in this just for fun then why not? I dunno, sounds terrible when I put it that way. 

Hmm, haven't been here in some time. Good a place and time as any to rant. And boy, do I have material, so I am gonna do an essay. Why not? Nobody ever reads this so I should have some fun with it. Lots of things have happened which leave me questioning what I should do with my life. Let's start with my job.

Job: I am currently unemployed. I had a job, it sucked but the pay was enough to pay the bills. I got a better offer so I quit. This offer, though it was nice, fell through. In the end they decided they didn't want to hire anybody anymore due to budget reasons. So I followed up on a few other offers I had. The ones I could have gotten interfered with my school so I didn't take them. I then tried to go back to my old job, they said they would gladly rehire me at the time I quit so I figured I was still safe. But eventually I find out that my position had been eliminated and there was no longer an opening. Also the company couldn't pay my wage anymore. Even at a lower pay they wouldn't take me back, they just want minimum wage workers who just shut up and work and have no brain. So I am still with out a job. This matter has been made even worse by my transportation being knocked out of service, my poor car.

Car: I have a classic 1972 Chevelle, it is my pride and joy. I have been working on it since I was 17 and it is my daily driver and friend. One night  I was driving a friend home and the car in front of me pulled a U turn out of nowhere with out looking and we collided. My car was smashed up and no longer safely drivable. Through a few weeks of working with insurance I got a check to fix my car. It took a few weeks to gather my parts up but before I finish my car was hit yet again. This time my car was parked and not moving at all. Someone had hit it during the night and drove off. I can't afford to fix this anymore. The toll of this is just becoming to great. I have been toying with the idea of getting rid of my car. Just to give up on it. That idea is still in my head a little bit but I think I am going to keep it. This car is a great friend to me, always there and never judges me. We have been through a lot together. It's funny, whatever shape that car is in always reflects what shape I am in. We even have a similar past and origin. It's like that car is me in a sense. When ever I think of getting rid of the car I am also thinking about getting rid of myself too (No suicidal stuff). No matter how you look at it, that car and I are one in the same, kindred spirits I guess. My one true companion in life. My noble steed. In this car there is so much love.

Love: Hmm, now this one is a doozy. Since coming back from AK I have been all over the love spectrum except being in an "actual" relationship. I came back with a few hopeful romantic possibilities. One liked me more than I liked her so it didn't work out. And the other didn't like me as much as I liked her so that didn't work out. Both women have a tendency to fall for guys that end up mistreating them or using them. I thought I could help them, but I failed. What's funny is that I thought that about my last relationship and failed there too. It tears me apart to see them suffer that pain again and again. But I digress. After that I had a few more interests pop up. But every time something was gonna go good for me, something or someone else got in the way. I am sick of the lying and deception, I just wanted a girl, not all that damn drama that followed, sheesh. Though, in the long run, it is good none of those particular prospects ever went anywhere. What a mess I would be in especially knowing what is going on now? Some of those girls are serious bad news, worse bad news than my ex. One ended up having an STD, others had super controlling and jealous ex's. Damn, I should be more careful, I keep running into girls bad for my health.

Health: This is an issue I don't talk about much mainly because there is nothing I can do about it. I have been having a variety of health issues since I was small. Born premature,  I only survived due to government money (From my family being so poor) and brand new technology. I spent the first portion of my life hooked up to a machine. I even remember going to the doctors as a kid and being hooked up to machines and giving blood and all sorts of tests. After the health coverage ran out I stopped going to the doctor, they misdiagnosed me one to many times anyway. So I haven't been to one in, let's see, 7-8 years I think. I really should go back, I have too many problems. One can only go so far with first aid anyway. I have had issues before in which I should have really gone to a hospital and stayed there for a few months, but the bill would have destroyed my mother. That sickness has been cured though thanks to a life-threatening gambit of mine. But getting to what still afflicts me is a problem. I can't fix my chronic insomnia. I can't fix my now forever numb finger. I can't fix my occasional partial loss of vision I can't fix my internal issues that occasionally drops me to the floor in pain. But if my stress level is low I can bare it all. Needless to say my stress level recently has been very high, thanks to a certain couple of women.

Women: I have many women in my life. I care for most of them and love only a handful of them. I am a true gentleman and knight. I follow my code of honor and chivalry very strongly. Maybe this is why I have so many women around me, or it could be that I just don't like guys. Either way, a certain few of them attract drama like the sun attracts the planets. Some of them create it, others just have bad luck and stuff. Other women in my life like to toy with me and my knightly side. Being used and abused, why do I attract that so much? I am not saying I hate any of these ladies. The second sentence in this paragraph is true, but love them or not they still cause a lot of stress. Not all women mind you. There are women in my life that cause me next to zero stress at all and I love them for it. Sometimes being a knight is hard, in fact is is nothing but hard, knighthood.

Knighthood: This has been my way of life for years. I call it the way of the llama. Because it is not a stereotypical knighthood. I take parts of chivalry from England, Bushido from Japan, Nordic Spiritualism from the Vikings, and to a smaller extend a few others are in there too. I am a defender and protector of virtue, honor and true love. That is why I am a knight, and I will do what ever it takes to defend and protect. Even if that means emptying my bank or giving my life. I have nearly done those things before in my fight too. I have given much money to the cause and to save a life. I have also nearly lost my life in a battle with the powers that be, and I have the injuries to prove it. I am proud to call myself a knight but recently I have been thinking about giving it up. You see, and I am not complaining about this part, a knight's whole life is about sacrifice. We can do marvelous things to save people but we always pay a price for it. That is what makes it a noble profession. Even the small things cost us, but in effort to aid those around us we ensure it is only the knight who pays this price. Sort of like a shit bearer to make the lives of others better. This part I do not mind. Like with the women that cause me stress. I will happily take that stress because despite that I want to help them. Even the ones that reject me, I still love them and want to help them no matter what. That is the price I pay. This part I seriously don't have any complaints about, but one part I do and it is this: I never get anything out of it. I don't feel the love from it. Feeling love for me is different than a normal person. I will not say why but it is. A person like me being a knight is a huge contradiction and a big joke really. I don't ask for much, all I need is love. I haven't decided yet but it seems that in order for me to get love I must give up my spirituality. It just reminds me that nice guys finish last. I have been rejected by women many times, seems they would rather pick abusive assholes than me, because that is what I see most of the time. A knight is just not good enough for love. Seems I am not good enough for love. So perhaps I need a new approach. I mean after doing the same thing with all these women and getting the same result, the problem must be me. Aside from the romance being hit hard by knighthood fun is a victim too. I can have fun the way I am, and occasionally with others too. But often time fun includes doing things that are not so knightly. So I back out of such things. I will even avoid a party if I know it will contain these things, because I would be left out anyway so I might as well be comfy. It has gotten to a point now where most of my friends don't even invite me to gatherings anymore. That is how bad it is. I asked a friend one time, "You're having a party right? Why didn't you tell me?" "Well, it's not really your sort of thing, you wouldn't fit in there." What a great response. I love gatherings at heart, I really do. But I have restrictions in order to stay noble. All that particular party had was some light drinking, games, and some music. That was a light party and I wasn't even acknowledged. It hurts but I understand it. I need to do something about this. Being a knight is a very lonely life.

Life: Life for me is lonely. I am surrounded by so many people yet I can feel no love. They say they love me, but all I feel is that same if I were to rub my right middle finger, nothing. No fault on them. I believe most of them are honest. I am just different. What an erroneous statement. We are all different, but it is our general similarities and common beliefs that form the single minded society. This society forms all the standards that are acceptable and unacceptable. Most of us will fall within these lines. They are pretty far apart so a lot of people are safe. It is only the cliques within the society, the sub-societies, that draw finer lines. But the overall borders of the overall human society are broad enough so that almost every culture falls within an acceptable range. That in itself is the world society. However, people like me fall outside of these lines. I am not part of the society even though with enough acting I can blend right in. At heart I am a reject. Before I could act, I was only myself and suffered for it, tortured for it. An honest life is nearly impossible for me. Why? Because I can't feel love like a normal person can. In society I cannot be loved or love and just living with that hurts a great deal. I can act like I am not in pain very well, so well that most of my closest friends wouldn't believe what I am saying. Inside I live a painful and loveless existence because in my world I am alone. I have never found a person who understands this. So I am left having to put on a show for the world everyday. At least, for right now that it is. I am hopeful that someday I can live without having to wear any masks over me. That one day I can live freely and honestly.

And that concludes my essay. Congratulations for finishing it. If anyone reads this and gets this far, bravo. Are you a friend? Are you a lover? Are you a hater? Whatever you may be you just read a long bit of complicated info. And no one even made you, you should feel proud. So, what did you think? I just put up a little niche of my life. And I covered a wide range too. Hope you enjoyed it. It was nice to get things out even if nobody ever reads this. But if you did, thanks. Regardless of what you do with this knowledge, thanks for reading. Good night.

Well now let me see. I've lost many things this week and I have just lost some more. It turns out I did not get all of my classes for my second summer semester. Out of three I only got one. WTF? I am not nine units short of my goal. Meeting this goal would have allowed me to graduate by December. No chance of that happening now. That is a whole extra semester of school I will have to take. And to boot it is looking more and more likely that I will be quitting my job so hahaha life is really throwing a lot of weapons at me now. Good thing I don't have a girl friend because right about now is the time she would cheat on me or something. Still, I must be pretty tough for life to have to use all this on me.  Yeah this is short but I don't really feel like talking right now. I have to figure out how to get my positive attitude back or else this is going to keep getting worse.

Day whatever.

Lots of stuff happened today. I'll start out with my most "pleasant" and work my way through. For one, I lost my apartment. The people moving out don't really feel like moving anymore, so tough luck for me. Also, at work. Next week I am going to be thrown into the lead position and I have still yet to be trained or told what it is I am supposed to be doing. I am kinda clueless really. My mouth still hurts but things are getting better, kinda. I am still training the newbies and apparently now, I am fully responsible for any mistakes they make, wee. I have a term paper to write tonight, I really don't feel like doing it. But what's an all nighter when you haven't been sleeping well all week? And after work I had been running late because of work and traffic. Yuck.

Though there were some positives. The movie I was supposed to see with my ex and some friends was going to be interesting experience filled with another persons awkwardness. But My ex and her boy toy didn't want to go because they knew I was going. I still went and enjoyed the movie, even though it was in Ontario, I enjoyed the drive. I think I am missing a few details but I have a paper to write, so that is all for now.

Llama signing off.

Hey now look at that, now my foot is bleeding, great. It just continues.

Day Three

This day just hasn't been going my way. Waking up at 6am is always fun but when I got to work I notice a new worker on our shift. My manager says to me, you'll be training him today, have fun. I am not even out of probation yet and I am training new people, I just want to sleep. But having to train people means you must be attentive and knowledgable and stuff. Eww. During lunch I somehow manager to chip a corner off on of my rear molars, this really sucks. My "training" causes me to stay past my time to leave. And I need all the time I need to finish my final speech for school. I get home and my PC won't boot. After an hour of booting and some safe mode test I find that my PC is infected by about 165 viruses. Wee. I now have 30 minutes to finish my speech and get to class so I can present the thing. And I ran out of milk and fluids last night so I am a bit parched. I just can't wait for the day to be over.

Day is ending, and I am not feeling any better. Though I did have one good laugh today thanks to some friends. As I get ready for bed and pull back the sheets, I find myself feeling worse, what will tomorrow bring?

Day Four

This day was not as bad as yesterday but not any better. I am still training new people and the funny thing is that my training is not even up yet. I am doing a few peoples jobs at once and and being asked to do more, including some of my managers' jobs. I am feeling low. I am starting to care less about my possible new apartment, and and thinking more and more about quitting my job. Especially if I don't get paid more and fast. I have made my verbal opinions clear to both managers in charge. And all I am told is that once my 90 days is up I will get a raise. If it is only like a quarter or something like that I am out the door. I have a feeling that will happen too. Oh well, looks like I will be living at home and job hunting once again, like a loser, again. I'm not sure I can even afford to pay for my next semester of classes. I think I can, but if I have to go job hunting then I have to pull all my funds into safety mode which means I can spend on extras no matter how much I have. This sucks, let me say. But I feel vented now.

Tomorrow is going to suck, it shouldn't if you look at it. But for me, or who I was really, this is not going to be a picnic. But I could be wrong. Being a knight isn't always easy and sacrifice is commonplace so why am I complaining? I just need to vent, damn, I feel emo or something.

"Sometimes, I feel that I should go out and play with the thunder, take on the madness within and beyond."

-Llama

        Today is my first day of school in over a year. Close to a year and a half I think. This whole thing feels weird. It's like I have traveled back in time. Kinda creepy. It's also a bit frightening, that last time I was in this place I wasn't exactly feeling happy about life and such. But now, with my new self-esteem, confidence, and over all aspiration to change the world, I feel I can conquer anything. But it is just strange to know that I am going to be applying that, here, of all places, this is the place I gave up and decided, here I go, to Alaska. But now this is a new age, this time I am going to play for keeps and actually try. Funny thing is that with this schools low standards I doubt my grades will change much, once you max, you max right? But I know I am far smarter and far stronger than ever before. I'm gonna kick this school's ass and be out of here by December. After that I move out into my own place and begin Woodbury University. Assuming I can find ways of affording it. Then I am gonna conquer that school too. But first thing is first, junior college, it's time to play! :)

"This may not be what you're looking for, but you know, that may not be such a bad thing, if you really think about it. Something new and different from what you have had. This may not be what you are looking for, but sometimes, the best things found in life are what we are not looking for in the first place."

-The Book of Llama

Today I have been confronted by two ghosts from my past. One, a person. And the other is a poem I wrote so long ago. The person I never actually saw, but more that I saw this person in someone else. I have some tough decisions to make. And I may have a really reckless and stupid choice pretty soon. I can clearly avoid doing this, but I don't think I will anymore. These ghost have shown that to me.

I need to follow my heart more but if I do that now people will get hurt, and that is something I cannot accept. So now, the dagger will just go to me instead. Things are foggy, like London only not so British. I feel sad because I have to lose somethings I want to keep. Oh well, I have memories to cherish forever. I dunno, there must be more to it, I just feel so low and alone. Like I have no one to talk too, but maybe that is because I don't. I don't think I do. There are things I need to get out, things I need to talk about but I have no one around me I can talk to about this. Maybe the problem is me? Maybe they wouldn't run or harm this time, just maybe....but why risk it?

I seem to see things now. Not everything and some bits are unclear. But there are somethings that are very clear to me. And damn, what the hell have I been thinking. I've been making mistakes, old mistakes. What did I learn anyway? This whole thing is stupid. Is my heart really what I think? Or is it the other way around? I've done some dumb things, good results from one or two but still, I have done something which I regret doing, it was a good thing but it should not have been done. And I may be doing another one soon. I'm not sure how it will work but it I need to know more before I decide to stop. Dumb things aside. I may be doing to really freakin stupid things soon. I hope not, but my resolve is breaking down a tad, and I may give in to it. Right now I am not feeling well so it's just, just something. Why am I arguing with myself, should I? Where should I even go I wonder.  One thing is for sure.  I may have gained considerable strength in the last year, and I have conquered mountains and more. But this, right here and now, is too hard to do alone. And unlike my past battles, this one, cannot be done alone. What a mess I am in. All the same, I plan to finish this race, I'm not out yet.

My massage therapy classes have been canceled due to too many people switching to other class times. So I am left out in the dust. Another class might be built soon and it would start around July. But that would royally mess up my college schedule for next year. I am already a year behind and I don't intend to make it two. This whole thing is kinda messed up but at least I can focus on actual college now. I just have to be happy with my grunt work job.

Other things have been bothering me too. Some things I thought I left behind are catching up to me. Or, to put it more accurately, the void left behind is what is getting to me. These are some serious gaps to fill and I have no fucking clue on how to do this. I've prepared and studied this type of thing for years and yet, I am just a clueless idiot. Hmm, maybe. I feel like that now anyway. Deep inside I knew this was going to happen but actually dealing with the aftermath is much different than I thought it would be. If I am not careful I fear I may be sucked right back in. Maybe that's where all this stress is coming from, fear. Who knows, well, that's that.

"All I have to do is think of me, and then I'll be somebody."
-Llama


Well this has certainly been a week in which I say at the end of it: "This week wasn't terrible but it certainly could have gone better." It has been my last week before school begins, but that is all in question now. Work has been all right, but it is not a job I enjoy. I know this is a complaint everybody has, most people at least, but my work just doesn't make me happy. A child could do my job, and a little bit of automation could destroy my job, but oh well. This job will do for now, I just hope I don't get stuck here. My social life is also doing alright for now but I am seeing my brother's life being torn apart and seeing him miserable is not fun. What makes it worse is both my brothers are living in misery right now, it sucks. Me though? Well, I have nothing going for me but at least I am happy and strong and my heart beats true, what else can you ask for within yourself?

School may not happen sadly, massage therapy school I mean. The school is very selective with it's students and thus class sizes are small for quality and such. But some students in my class may be dropping out or switching classes. This is the only class time I can fit in my life. If the class size gets too small then I have no school, this is sad. I wasn't to sure how I felt about this, and I am not much further but I do know that a massage job pays well and will get me out of grunt work. If it cancels then I just go back to Valley so I can finish it by December. And so far I have yet to be told what the final decision is, next week will be interesting. My right shoulder really hurts, I mean damn, this isn't right.

There were a few other things that kinda hurt my week and life and stuff but nothing major, kinda saddening but oh well kinda stuff. Though, this week did have a highlight. I did get to see Pirates 3 on Thursday. Though it was at a price, the cost of sleep for two days, but it was well worth it. I say a great movie and I saw it with some awesome funny people. Not a bad night to say the least. Though thinking about it makes me tired and seeing how it is around 3 AM I am currently tired, as Adrien Ramos always say, "Now, Go to Bed." And so I shall.

If you were a hot dog, and you were starving, would you eat yourself? I know I would.
-Harry Carey (Will Ferrell)

I have a job again, yay, umm, horray for money. And I should be getting a good bit if this first day says anything about the the next two weeks. I started and 6am and left and 7pm, thats a long time for work. But I found the work decent. Tedious and I still have a lot to learn but I can handle this for 8 months. I am beat, and tired. And I wore improper shoes so my feat hurt a bit but thats fine. I got home a just crashed in my chair with some pizza and cherry coke. Now I am drinking milk and watching a program on the inventions that came from NASA, I'm enjoying myself. Though I would like some company I am feeling kinda content right about now.

I am also planning on exploiting the time I have left before starting school. With such activities like bowling and Disneyland and whatever else I can manage. I wonder what will happen. Dodgeball!

I haven't had a weekend this boring in quite a long time. Granted my Saturday was interesting, this Sunday though, damn, I think I'm gonna jump off a bridge just for some excitement. Plans were sort of made last night but it does not look like they are going to happen, again. It being Mother's day doesn't make anything better. My mom is so hard to please. She's not picky or anything, she just never wants anything nor does she want to do anything, she just wants to sit at home and knit, well, today it's crochet. You wanna know how bored I am? I'm watching a program about how sanitary napkins are made, nothing else is on and I dislike tv. I try video games but it would seem an unborn fetus could do better at that then I can today. Why? I have no idea. I suck today apparently. And I have been napping all day so I am not getting any sleep either. I'm gonna be up till like 5am whether I want to or not. This is going to be a long day.

And indeed it was. I spent pretty much the whole day alone and bored, sad isn't it? I did manage to go running but I did it in a very stupid way. Since I didn't plan anything I decided to go running after downing a bottle of cherry cola. So needless to say running made me sick. Though I did run quite a bit before I had to quit. The night? Well, that's going to be a bit of the same. Tomorrow, it's going to be the same too, with one exception, I have laundry to do. And after that I may start working, early morning though. So I should still have time to do stuff in the afternoon until late night. So hopefully things will pick up. If it's like this until I start school I might as well just kill myself or something. Ah, that was probably a bit much, but I do detest being bored and alone. Tomorrow's gonna suck but maybe it won't. I'm gonna  be optimistic.

Live journal is still for posting rants and stuff right? What I have here is not exactly a rant but I am bored of my ass and have no one to turn to so I can explain my day.  So I came here, sad I know but oh well.

It all started quite lovely, and I mean  that because I got to have lunch with a very lovely lady.  After that I set out to bake a cake for mothers day, and this was a success. The next portion of the day could have gone a few ways and I had planned for this. The initial plan was to hang out with the same beautiful lady as before while she was at work.  But a significant supervisory type person, relation to the owner anyway, was set to show up. So I did manage about an hour or so with her before I needed to jet, sad but I enjoyed the hour with her. Now, I did have a back up plan. Well, with Friday nights plans are common. So I head back home and try to enact this plan involving my brother and other friends. We call and arrange and all that jazz. So I wait at home for the final prep and I get no call. So I try to reach them and am told that I will be called right back to do something. I never get a call and am left all alone on a Friday night. Ditched yet again but hey, that's what happens right? But I am just worried that I will be spending the majority of the next two weeks like this, alone. I have two weeks left until I start working and going to school, both full time. So my free time during the day is coming to an end. But this is probably just a lack luster day for me, the rest will be better.

I'm going Wii bowling.

Seems fate had one more blow for me. At near 11pm I get a call to meet my friends at a movie theater. So, feeling better, I decided to go over. I finish my milk and cookies and head out the door. But oh ho ho dear readers, I arrive at the place and it is in lock down, closed for the night. Seems ticket sales have also stopped. Had I arrived about 5 minutes before hand I would have made it. But get this, 5 minutes before hand is when I was called in the first place. So yeah, that sucks. Though my day had a great and lovely beginning, I am left feeling a bit sad and all alone. I usually like to be cheery and optimistic and stuff, but as my night grows darker and later, I am finding it hard to smile in all this. But I did have a good start, and for that I am glad. But it just gets me down, everybody I know is doing something, and I am sure most if not all of them are having a good time. Of course their having a good time, they're with somebody. All my friends are doing something and here I am, at home, and all alone. I detest solitude, I spent nearly all of my life alone, and it tastes like almonds to me. Though the difference between now and then is that I actually have friends. And for that I am truly grateful. I'm gonna practice my bowling and go to sleep, tomorrow will be better.

Hmm, an odd fancy has brought me back to the live journal world. I haven't posted here since leaving high school in 2004. It is now 2007, half way, and lots of things have changed. Hmm, not exactly just a odd fancy brought me here, a person with nice boobs brought it up so here I am. So I guess I should use this post to sum up the past few years and bring all my dear readers up to date with the great story, and future novel, that is my life. Let's see, I left off at the beginning of my college life. SO I will pick things up right there, exactly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I started my first semester. I finished it too, though at a price, I was losing my motivation for life, that is debatable, since I hadn't had any since i was 5. I started a second semester. Then a third. All this time I was working with my inventory job and I received several pay raises and promotions. Keep in mind all this time I was also in a nice relationship, be it long distance, it was still the good memory making kind. We are now at about the middle of my third semester in college. I have a nice girlfriend, a great job, and school is easy and moving. I wish I could tell you dear readers, that the story goes well from here, but I cannot. End of this chapter, end of this chapter.

The next moments in my life are not so easy on the senses so I will be brief. I lose everything. Absolutely everything, and do you know who is to blame? Do you have any idea? Simply put, it was me. I had it all, but I had no heart in it. Eventually my mind caved and I lost it. In a span of three months I lost everything I held dear and found myself in Alaska, from LA, to Alaska. How rockin is that readers? After my mind said, screw this, I had trouble holding back the pain and had trouble holding back my self. I was ruining relationships and I had to flee my job. I had to flee my school. My girlfriend left me before I could act so in the end I had no ropes holding me back. So I ran away and ended up in Anchorage, AK. When I woke up from this nightmare I found that I was not dreaming the whole mess, I was lost, scared, and pitifully weak, as always. Another episode like that may cost me my life. So it was then I decided. I decided that it was time to take things into my own hands and start living my own life, screw this OCD, screw this trauma from my past, screw this stupid Bipolar type 2, I don't care anymore, I'm gonna clear all this junk out of my head. I didn't know if such a thing was possible but I was going to find a way. The time has come to make things right, the time has come to fight for my life. This chapter ends here.

The next chapter is rather bland. It goes from my beginning in Alaska to the end of my time there, the end of my life, the life that was me. This time span is one year by the way. I found a job working with an air cargo company. I could keep to myself if I wanted and the pay was nice. It was grunt work, no thinking needed, no thinking wanted. It was labor intensive and very dangerous, especially in winter. I nearly lost my life a few times and had one trip to the emergency room. The job also allowed me to travel all across the state of Alaska. Someone has to unload the cargo when it gets there right? I have been to the northern most civilized point on Earth. I have been the islands few men ever set foot on.  I have been in triple digit weather before, in LA. But I have also been in triple digit weather in Alaska, though those digits were below zero. In all my travels I got to think a lot about what I must do, it was certain, no question about it. This was going to be my life's hardest task, assuming I make it out alive if at all. Before my time up north ended I got to go to LA one last time and see my family again, after that I knew my risk would be worth it. I want to feel, I want my heart and mind back dammit. Now, I prepared for months, I was set. I said all my good bye's though I didn't said I may never see you again. It was a hard time, a few days felt like months.  After I was ready to leave, it there was no running away now. I quit my job a week early so I would have time for my task.Now the next part of this is strictly confidential, so needless to say i am not saying it here. Nor is it something I plan to talk about. My task took two nights and one day to complete. And yes, I nearly met my end during it. But I made it out, alive. I came back smelling a bit odd, I was scraped and bleeding from a few cuts. My knees were almost shot completely and I had trouble even moving them for a few days. But my heart, I could feel it's every move. All that darkness and receded and my demons had been beaten. My life, in one aspect, ended there, but a new me came out. For the first time in my memory, I am happy. I have no job, no girlfriend, no money, no degrees, and a lot of work to do, but I am feeling so freakin good about myself. Hot damn. I now know what it is like to feel like living. How wonderful, now nothing can stop me in what ever I pursue.

What's next for me you might ask dear readers? Now that I can live and be free and feel good and all that jazz. Well, I shall tell you. I am now  going to go to school again, though I am a year behind all my friends now. I am about to start a good job. I am also starting a different kind of school, a medical trade school. I am going into an eight month program for massage therapy, I want to help people feel good, like how I feel inside. Besides, I have really strong artisan hands. I have also changed my major from political science to psychology. For similar reasons to the massage decision. Except this one is more personal. All this is about to start. And I have saved the best for last. My friends. I now feel for my friends like never before and I have some damn good ones now. The future is a vast new plan of adventure and nonsensical happenings. Dingleberries.

"Time comes, time goes. Whatever time may bring to us, it is our responsiblity to mold it to fit our perception of it."
-Llama

I have been a busy llama lately. I have my schedule for my first semester of college all done and figured out. While doing this I found my lost football credit from high school. It turned up at my college. So i already have one unit and a 4.0 gpa. That was a pleasent surprise. Well, here is what I have to look forward to in about a month.

0535 - Politcal Science 1 @ 8:00 - 9:25 on Monday and Wednesday, worth three units
0549 - Psychology 1 @ 8:00 - 9:25 on Tuesday and Thursday, worth three units
0514 - Philosophy 1 @ 8:00 - 11:10 on Friday, worth three units
0366 - Law 3 @ 9:40 - 11:05 on Monday and Wednesday, worth three units
0147 - Astronomy 1 @ 940 - 11:05 on Tuesday and Thursday, worth three units

Sounds fun doesn't it? But I will try to pull it off and I do not plan on giving up, eveer. I have also been working quite a bit and much more is on the way. Also on the way is a big fat pay check because of it.

I have been given an interesting oportunity as well. An internship with the California state assembely majority leader, Dario Frommer. This would fill my schedule even more but I hope I can fit it in and that they will accept my hours. This internship will gain me no money but this chance is priceless. I've been busy, and I am tired, so it is off to bed for me, ta-ta.

"To those who have seperated, parting is such sweet sorrow. But is it that sorrow which strengthens the bond through yearning and yearning? Whatever the answer of this one can be sure. Time spent close and time spent far are different, but if thoughts are of the other than there is no real departure at all."
-Jeremy

This is the part in which I shall explain my previous entry. Where to start....hmm.....(insert searching motion here). Let us start with my new job. I now work at an inventory company. We do the inventory for major and all most as major stores. In short we count and record every piece of merchendise in the store. It is a simple enough job assuming one can count extremely fast and have the patience to take on such a tedious job. I like it, that is to say I do not mind it at all. It pays the bills. I can actually say that too. Strange, life after high school is indeed different. Some stores are better than others of corse but the cool thing is that every store is different and that I rarely work in the same place twice, a nice flow of change.

Now, part II: School. My orginal plan for school was to move outside of my home and live on my own and go to school part time. But that did not work as I did not have quite enough money to do so, nor the means to support myself at the time. So I will have to stay home for at least another year or two while I complete my community college work. I will be attending Los Angeles Valley College (www.lavc.edu) to do so. Not what I wanted but it will give me the units I need to transfer to a university. I start August 30. I am still working out my classes because of some unexpected circumstances. But in a few short days all will be well.

Hmmm.....I guess that is the bulk of waht has been going on. The personal stuff, as always, will remain so. I will be getting a cell phone soon so that will be nice. I should be getting to sleep. I worked from 5 am to 3:30 pm today. An unusually long day but over-time makes up for it. So I guess I will. If I missed any details, and I am sure I did, please let me know of inquire about such. Me sleepy, night-night.

"Moo! Moo, indeed" - Llama "Heros are born from opression and suffering. Boredom is born from peace and prosperity." -Llama It has been a while since I last updated but it is ok, I don't think anyone noticed. Lots have happened since my graduation. I got a job, for one. I got my fist ticket, speeding. I graduated High School without any expected tramua. And I start college next month. Yay! Notice the sarcasm? Well I would give more details but I have no time to do so, bye-bye for now.

"It's my life for living so I'll live as I please." - Anon

Fitting, methinks. In just a few short hours so much is to happen. Dawn is restless and so am I. Everything up to this point has been talking the proverbial talk. But soon, very soon, I will have to walk that infamous walk. A leap of faith into land which few tend to tred. It is not a good place I go, but necessary none the less. If I were to posses the gift/curse of foresight I would not use it. This is my opritune moment. This is my defining moment. I have not had a moment in Hell for a few years, yet I am about to encounter one. This is a fearful moment. I wonder, what colors will I show when this moment arises. And I also wonder how many times I can get away with saying "moment" in a single paragrapgh. This is a time when it is best to jump head fist into the fire, that way at least my feet will be free from harm incase I need to jump to safety. I hope whom ever shall read this wishes me luck, for I need all I can get. Well, here I go. Onword to the future, and onword to a free world!

"Our surroundings determine our knowledge of the world around us." -Llama

D-day is comming, d-day is comming. Those of you who are close to me know what the D stands for. But this day is graduation day. This thursday. At last my high school days will be over. My last full day of school is in its closing and only finals remain of my week. I got my gold tassel today, it's pretty. I also got the prom pictures as well. I didn't knowe either would be here today but I got lucky. Oragizing the graduation for my family, tina, and others is getting difficult but it is getting done, slowly. Now is the time to cram, so to speak. I only have one significant final but that means I have to kick the test's tukus!

Stay tuned for more news and events on Llama Journal TV.

"In Critical and baffling situations, it is always best to return to first principle and simple action"
- Sir Winston S. Churchill

Seven days left until my last day of high school. I can hardly wait. Recently I have had a car problem but it turns out I just lost a single bolt. All the waork I did and it was only a single bolt! So it works and stuff. My other vehicle, truck, works now too.

Tina and I went to my school's prom May 28. It was an awsome time. I had a lot of fun and tina did too. We mingled, ate, got pictures taken, had a caricature drawn, and even danced. It was a night which will be long remembered. I also spent the rest of the weekend with tina as well, which was a fun time.

Last week I took tina to the midnight showing of the PoA movie, the openning night. And the next day we say the movie again on IMAX with TAO. I spent another weekend with tee. She got sick during the time, which made it hard to have a happy birthday weekend but not impossible.

Other than my fun times with tee by life has been really hectic. School has been driving me insane. I have been stressing over passing my English class for two weeks. Not to mention getting all my senior crap done in time. What a pain all this has been. Even getting all the tickets for the graduation has been a little troubling. But finally I think I can relax a tad. I still have to be in over-drive in order to get through school but many I can just lower that one notch. The only relief in school I have had was the photo shot I ad today. I got to model as Beowulf, :). Damn, I have to prepare for my next day at school. ta-ta for now.